CRUDE AND RUDE JOKES ON LINE.

Veteran actress and national treasure Dame Thora Hurd has been imprisoned in her home in Sussex by a monkey.

The 87 year old favourite of Songs of Praise and Last of the Summer Wine has been locked naked in a bamboo cage for the past 3 months with no food and only a jigsaw of a cobweb for entertainment.

Friends report she is bearing up quite well considering and is facing the monkeys taunts with a steely will, although she did get a bit tearful when he re-enacted several scenes from Last of the Summer Wine with his arse shouting 'thats your best acting that is'.

Thora is said to have kept her spirits up by fashioning a crude stairlift made from toenails, shite and a bit of old bamboo she gnawed off with her false teeth.

'I wont let him break me. In a funny sort of way its the monkey thats the prisoner', Thora is reported to have said.

Goverment intellginece reports that this is the first step in the monkey worlds attemtps to conquer the globe.

I DRINK MY OWN PISS CLAIMS ROLF HARRIS


Australian TV legend Rolf Harris apparently drinks his own piss. This accounts for his sprightly health and very glossy beard.

"I quaff it straight down, because that way you get all the goodness", reveals Rolf. "I'd not stoop to eating my own poo though, I'm not dirty or owt", he adds visibly aroused.

Rolf is not the only famous name who advocates the drinking of there own urine. Noddy Holder drinks it insatiably and he's not even bothered if its his own piss. " I cant get enough of it, I even like to put it in my tea in the morning", he said in a recent interview.

But when asked about the various health properties of urine he reportedly said, " It has health giving properties? well that's a bonus then"

Some stars don't stop at urine, Chaka Khan eats her own bogies, apparently convinced it makes her immortal.

MAN FINDS TITS IN POT MASH

A Belgian man has found a pair of human tits in a King sized tub of Spicy Curry flavored pot mash.

Henrich Vulva of Antwerp was tucking into the new Mash flavoured instant snack when he found two nipples poking out of the surface. "On closer inspection I found that they were just the tip of the iceberg...well nipple", explained Henrich

"I was naturally quite shocked, then a little bit confused, then aroused", he adds. " I had my doubts about buying it anyway, but I'm a big fan of pot noodles so I thought I'd take the risk.

Police are now investigating the incident, but are been hampered by Henrichs refusal to give up the tits, which he claims are now his as he bought them in good faith.

The manager of the supermarket where Henrich purchased the pot mash reports that Henrich has bought 153 Pot Mash's since the incident apparently in the hope of finding some more tits." I have assured him that the incident was a one off but he just wont accept it, in any case I'm not complaining, my profits have gone through the roof", he claims.

Police are linking the incident to several other cases of body parts found in food. Last month a young lady found an entire human arse in a boil in the bag curry.